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Attachment.

I’ve been thinking a lot about attachment lately. Part of growth. Part of life. What is it?

In my mind, over-attachment in regards to relationship is a clinging to an outcome or expected course of action. We feel entitled to this.

You give me this, I get that. It feels justified. Ultimately though, attachment can lead to suffering if it goes unchecked. It’s unlikely that what we’re attached to can really fulfill all of our needs. That why we suffer.

Is attachment a choice?

Isn’t it just part of love or part of relationship? Can we separate love from attachment? I believe we can but I don’t think it’s easy. We often don’t realize it can be a choice to get overly attached.

Attachment is often confused with love. Let’s look at this a little deeper.

When we’re attached, we want to get something to feel ok.

Over-Attachment:
…..usually wants something
expects…
wishes…
If only…
if he did this….
when this happens…
why doesn’t she do this…

Wondering, asking, wanting someone or something to be different.

Wishing someone would change. Then I can be happy…then I’ll be safe in this relationship. 

What are we really attached to? 

Often we don’t even realize our inner attachments because they are beyond our conscious mind. They drive our behavior but they live in the unconscious.

It’s usually fear-based.

We typically want to feel loved, feel special, validated, liked, appreciated.

We want it from beyond ourself….We want it from someone else….

I need this from you to feel that.

I want your approval. I need you to see me. I need you to understand my point of view. I need to be right. I need to make you wrong so I get power. I want your affection. I want your attention. I want your love. I need to be understood and I need to understand you. I want respect and I want that from you. 

We are attached to external gratification.

We are attached to feeling good but we are allowing the power to be in someone else’s hands.

We need them to do something in a certain way to feel ok.

They need to behave a certain way because they always have.

They should not change. They must not love me if they change. They might not need me if I see their behavior is different.

Expectations… wanting… clinging… hoping to be filled up.  It is exhausting, futile and gives away our power.

What we don’t realize is that attachment is a choice we’ve made. It’s a set a of beliefs about what we think we need to feel ok.

Let’s continue.

What would it be like to love without attachment?

Wow is that possible? Would I even want that? 

Loving without any expected outcome?

Sounds scary. Sounds vulnerable. Risky. Not exactly logical or responsible. Maybe it’s crazy.

Maybe it looks like this:

Love freely,
Love anyway.
Love when not loved back and love when it’s hard.
Love when they don’t deserve it.

How does that feel?

Lighter, more empowering. Be love instead of begging for it. 

Attachments put our ok-ness in someone else’s power.

Let’s consider that perhaps we can do this for ourselves.

Let’s fill our own cup. We can be in our own power.

Let’s entertain the thought that everything we want we already have within us. What does that feel like?

What more is there to want when you have it all? When you feel complete, you don’t need to look to others to fill a hole or to feel ok.

Maybe try this on….

Be in this expansive state of consciousness, a place of fullness, and see how your relationship changes.  If you are Whole in yourself, you don’t need anything. See how powerful you are. Be love instead of grasping or clinging.  Try loving with out over- attachment of a certain wanting or needing something from that person.

When you’re willing to step aside of judgement and possessiveness, see what’s really there.  You just might feel the love flow through… the love you’ve been yearning for.

It’s right there. Within you.

I recently saw the movie, “The Greatest Showman” in the theaters.

Wow.

For me, this movie experience was pure joy and delight. It touched on so many levels and layers of humanity. Holding on to a dream, believing in it, stepping into it, letting go, living it, losing it, fighting for it, thriving in it and just being in it.

The soundtrack tells an amazing story. Each song has the ability to stir up emotions deep inside. I felt joy, sadness, love, I felt fully alive! All the emotions, positive and negative felt good.

One scene in particular had me mesmerized. I think my mouth was wide open and my breath may have stopped for a few seconds.

A brief description of the scene:

A beautiful, radiant woman gets up on stage. Brilliant beams of light shine and she shimmers like diamonds. She belts her heart and soul out to a beautiful song. She has the audience in complete awe. From her heart came the most emotional plea for something….a yearning from deep within her heart.

She wanted more.

She wanted something so powerful it brought people to their feet. It melted hearts and burned through souls as she stood before them. A symphony of soft vulnerability with a vibrant strength.

Never Enough. Never Enough! Never Enough for me.

I have been contemplating this scene.

Why was it so powerful?
Why did it evoke such emotion within me?

I spent some time writing down what came to mind in stream of consciousness fashion.

Here is an excerpt from that writing:

A longing for Truth
thats all I’ll settle for
I won’t be fooled by shiny objects, stuff to put on my shelf
people to fill me up or give me something.

A longing to complete myself.

A quest to uncover my own light and fill my own cup.

Anything less…will never be enough.

This great love, the one you fly through the sky for
the one that brings you to your knees
That’s the only love …the one love we’ve all been looking for
And to find it – you give it up 
It’s not out there, it’s in you

This love is the love you have for the highest aspect of yourself. Its the big love that you are searching for, dreaming for, longing for.

And it’s within you all along.

___________

For me, this movie felt like a beautiful masterpiece conveying the essence of the human condition.

Childlike dreams and wonder.
Loving and losing.
Winning and fighting.
Belonging. Connection. Love.

A longing to matter, to make a difference and to embrace the highest calling within your heart.

This movie eloquently portrays the beauty and vulnerability of taking risks, being authentic and showing up. Through dance, song and movement we are whisked away on a journey of forgiveness, heartache, heartbreak and love.  For me, this movie is about embracing the gifts and dreams within our hearts and living in our light in every moment.  One step at a time we move, manifesting the dreams of our heart into a living dream.

Link to the song …

https://tinyurl.com/yb4j4zno

What do you do?

Greetings usually involve a few common questions:

What do you do?
What is your job?
What are you doing today?

We are a culture of doing. Especially during this busy holiday season, the “to do” list can grow by the day. Presents to buy, errands to run, check, check, check.

It feels like the more we do, the more we still have to do. We hurry through our list so we can rest a minute until we have to take the dog out. And then do more!

It’s not a surprise that we feel compelled to do something. We live in a society that encourages a never ending quest to do more, create more, make more, get more. The encouragement is there from our school system, our parents, our boss, our teacher, our friends. There’s no shortage of cheerleaders for doing!

Yes, this doing can be very important. But what differentiates busy work from the essential work?

Running can get you somewhere but how do you know you’re not running in place?

All this movement, and where did you actually go? There’s a lot of activity, but maybe nothing to show for it. At the end of the day, the end of the week, the end of the year, when you look back, did this doing take you where you wanted to go? If not, it might be time to stop, reflect and be still within yourself.

During all the activity, as mindless as it can be, are we losing focus on why we’re doing it and who it is that is doing the doing? 

Do we stop to ask these questions?

Maybe we disregard the person, the essence behind the doing. The human “being”.

Maybe we keep going because it’s a habit, a routine, or an expectation to live up to. We don’t question it, especially if it’s something we’ve been doing for many many years.

We do without thinking. We do without being.

The invitation is always there, especially during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season to take some time to be.

You might be asking, “How do I get in the holiday no-doing spirit!?”

Before you pick up your to do list, take a time-out and have a seat on the couch or the floor.

Just sit there. Don’t open a book. Don’t read. Don’t watch TV. Simply be there. You are now inviting being into your day. See what unfolds.

Try to sit here for a few minutes.

There’s nothing to do right now but be.

See what comes up. Maybe that to do list has changed. Maybe you don’t need to do anything on the list. Priorities might shift.

Enjoy this gift you’ve given yourself.

This “not doing” practice was a gift I was given and now I gift this invitation to you. This practice can provide clarity and space to tap into yourself in a more authentic way. By just “being” you allow more room in your experience. This space can dissolve the non-essentials and invite more good things into your experience.

From this place of being, you can go out into the world and “do” in a more meaningful way.